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I'm looking for you;

I know you've been looking for me.


into, blue, stormy, breathe, me



July 28th, 2010

Starry Night

eternal, honor, deva, forever, love
Yesterday when the cool winds blew in and evening fell across the sheltered vallesy and budding mountains here, I felt Autumn in hushed footsteps creep onto Summer's glory.  With the full moon, again, change is on the horizon, a season of changing seasons is blooming once again.  

I have unleashed the fire in myself, let my starsign free itself of predictions, contradictions, and stereotypes and have just really launched the full me out there.  It's about damn time.  While I find earth, consistent and strong in its consistency, I also find it boring in the long steps it uses to plod along, the neverending patience it breathes ceaselessly waiting for time to unravel itself and let change happen unhindered.  Earth will come more easily to me once i have more time to play in it.  I have been reading books on planting and gardening.  Hopefully I will be successful at it.  Water I am having a hard time with, because it either soaks my ambition by pulling out my own long-buried passions in me, or nourishes me with the purity of emotions that I get fed in moments the size of a grain of sand.  Water does not have pity, or a true remorse, but chants the truth over and over like waves breaking against a shore until you feel it beat in your blood and finally understand it for yourself.

My life is on hinges again, although I don't know if the door/gateway is whole.  Never have I ever felt my destiny/fate so cupped up by another's hand(s), but I'm determined to try to accept it- to try to let the best workout its own magic for me.  I can't believe that the best is coming with doubting in an amount equal to my hope, but I wish for it silently in my head, pleading for happiness while feeling guilty for feeling so undeserving.  I wish I had something of myself to give that appease anyone who listens to my cowardly tales, but I am afraid that besides something of material value that I really don't have anything left worthy of offering but goodwill.

It is dsicomforting in the least to feel so close, and yet so many millions upon millions of miles away.  I suppose this is how the stars feel looking down at the Earth and wondering as they scan the surrounding universe tirelessly if anyone is watching to see how they glitter? Ah, Starseeds, let us be friends and share together this lonely emotion that swirls throught the cascading spiral of my soul!  Together we are the Gemini to everything that exists and in this moment all nodes are right and point inward to our true compass and chart!


July 20th, 2010

It approaches...

evils, seven, dream, lightning, clouds
I look into my third eye, as ir whisking my hands around a crystal ball
And like a blackened bruise across the sky I gaze past timeless horizons
Into clouds as thick as a musky perfume in the air, lightning flashing boldy white across the sinister formations
I gaze upon them, knowing their true essence and fear, fear with what I know
I, who have never been gazed with true premontion, know that this storm is a sin of the created
I, who embrace this storm for its being, see the anarchy and the despair to come
There is a a cross roads of great proportions appearing in many destinies soon
And while I don't know if it is only my sparse trail of fate or others that are affected
I must admit that the strength and wave of the coming change is important enough to change choices
And the true power to this world is being able to wield our personal choice
And being responsible enough to own up to the consequences of what we do with what we have
So be warned those who gaze deeply into the violet spiraling depths of what is to come,
I feel there are many of us who are to be made an observer
If this is nature, the spirit of the Air, or even Paralda who warns me, I fear for the building I shelter in
If this is my soul and the spiderwebs of souls that communicate to my thread of being, I find myself waiting to mourn a great loss
Twas not today but yesterday I received such a message, and I feel it is my duty to spread the truth of what comes
The storm that comes will not let its appearance be known until it is too late to prepare
It is a soulless element that cannot be swayed, for purpose is intertwined in its creation
And the need for its relentless fury is far greater than a single will can sway
I can hear the thunder from far beyond this plane,
And I can smell the rain as I sit here dry and awake on this hot summer not
I cannot say in which form it will appear, the material, or the metaphorical
But silence, respectful awed silence, is what marks its passing,
As if life is stilled merely at its granted invention.
There are things I have been meaning to ask the Tarot that acts as a medium between worlds to me
And so through them I will consult the listeners to the questions of this single soul,
And should I be bestowed with more clues or riddles, I will add to my writings here,
But even I, who marvels at all the winds and their cousins as spoiled lovers of yesterday,
Cannot but shudder and respectfully keep my quiet as this engorged Titan slowly crawls across the skies...


May peace be with you and yours.  

July 11th, 2010

Chirping in the summer evening insects sing the heat away
The lazy summer wind is resting as it too gazes the stars
Sighing once or twice in a peaceful awe
The leaves of trees rustle slightly as they ever-watch the world turn
And far beyond the horizon I can feel the clouds drifting closer
The dampness clinging to my skin as much as to my soul
If ever the world simply breathed then it was as tonight
For gently the earth moves the grasses, gurmbling softly in sleep
Closely scattered between hills are countless lapping bodies of fresh water
That nourish the teeming wildlife in this land of seasons

I find myself a part of it and apart,
Perhaps I just have to listen with my soul, give purpose to my spiraling senses,
But with my desire to learn the wisdom of the world and be wise with it
I find myself cursed to feel no more the way the approaching storms tingle my nerves,
Sending shivers of intent and beauty rippling pure and raw throughout my body,
But I suppose I have been selfish in my mutable fiery nature
Seeking nothing more than to feed the fire of creation
And as such the world has put a bane upon me, keeping me from a lucid imagination
That I yearn for so very, very much.

Still, I want to feel the world as real as it can be
And so I try to carry this curse with grace, to remember the electricity of each second in a moment
And I call to the world with songs in my mind, singing to it everything that is me
And the still evening erupts, the wind sings with me harmonizing,
The trees dancing their bustling limbs, insects respectfully quiet as they cling to the moving earth
And in a body mostly composed of water I can feel the ripples of the currents of the surrounding lakes
Echo through my body, my soul, and in turn are reciprocated until we are both tuned to each other
And the world through my fiery being is a song unparalleled
So that even as I type in the dark corner of my room, I feel the air trace whispers down the hair on my arms
And I feel myself tense, controlling the urge to run, break through the window and join the night sky
For what can be better than to be a part of the wind that sighs and heaves,
Always moving to cover the pressure that lacks, pushed away from the pressures that build
If ever I could be as wise as the wind, as graceful as its constant gusts and turns, beautiful as it sings
Then I would find myself at peace with the world, befriended by a spark of fiery enchantment-

-And so I pass the spark on to you and wherever you send the wind to fan it!


January 16th, 2010

Here where the story ends, I find myself surrounded by you, my friends
The Milky Way's worth of stars gathered in on one black veil of night
One single guiding moment, one shared and adamant feeling of right
And the world will shatter our expectations, limitations, inspirations
Rebirthing us into something new, something crude, something true
And all the world will be a stage and us the puppetteers with the players' strings
But until this light has gathered, has forced the world to unwravel and re-weave
I say this unto the quiet breeze in a hushed and reverent tone,
"Please if ever you should find the end of destiny, know that you are not alone,
Know that this night I have etched finely in memory of your shared company
And while the stars may never shine so fine or pretty in the end
I'll remember sharing them with you, my eternal loving friend."


January 14th, 2010

(no subject)

blue eye

If I could tell you how the sky is colored would you stay long enough to listen?
If I could tell you why things grow would it interest you enough to stay?
I could color up my stories with metaphors, weird adjectives, and allegories
Twist the plot, make what I have to say better than it seems
Maybe add some romance, add some tragedy to a perfect world
And yet the artificiality would overwhelm the heart and soul of the meaning
So unto the end of preserving truth I will say this:

There are things I needed to take care of, that involve me bettering myself
I've been counting my calories, dieting with my own food selections, trying to find my body's balance
I've been working at working harder, making my work better; digging my own niche
I've been carefully treading at making friends, finding outsiders, listening to their tales
I've been fixing my own mistakes, owning up to my faults and errors
I've been letting Jason have more reign, letting him take care of me, allowing more dependency
I've been balancing my body's elements, trying to learn more of what I haven't obtained
I've been coming to peace with my past and sharing it, allowing my inner walls to lower
I've been learning more pity; more compassion and understanding with humanity
I've been trying to show the universe how hard I try in everything so it can know
I've been changing morals I swear I would never challenge or adjust
All in all, I've been away so that I could make myself a better person and I think I might have done just that.

Tonight of all nights I feel peaceful, accomplished, and relaxed. 

I don't really know if I'm becoming any better since I'm already beautiful in just being, but I know that I've serious put a dent in my previous limitations.  There really isn't any stopping me.  Oh, Universe, do you really understand love?  *laughs to self softly at the answer*


January 5th, 2010


evils, seven, dream, lightning, clouds
Is it really irrational, or just a mass of unstable emotion waiting to be sorted and identified?  My only constant fear anymore is of bugs and I can put that aside if I have to.  My deeper fears of loneliness, death, and darkness seem pale.  Perhaps I'm growing immune, perhaps I'm grwoing ignorant- or perhaps I'm just numbing to the world.  I feel more.  I feel like this is justified.  Perhaps loss would make me feel more cautious, or perhaps it would be just another pain to bear and overcome on Time's slow plodding donkey.  Either which way, I'm learning, growing, perhaps even wisening up. 

Universe, please grant me patience to accept life for what it is, and ambition to change it in the hope to make it better.  Although I do complain a lot and swing in my feelings, there's always a peace of me that loves being a part of you and I'm done with denying myself anymore.  Please live life through me as I live life through myself.  I hope someway somewhere my memories are recorded and given to someone else who can use them to see them from a grander picture than my limited eyes.  I feel like my life is full, and I am momentarily very content and satisfied with my lot.  Please guide me into make my faults more valuable, and my strengths more sharply honed.  I need a new focus, and I'd like to invite it in my life.  Please continue to be as you are, my live both deepens and broadens beyond my measure, which perhaps is why lately my emotions have been so bland....

Universe, Love Eternal; Honor Forever; My Blood in Thine.


December 29th, 2009

eternal peace?

into, blue, stormy, breathe, me
To all the souls how walk the path unmarked, and get lost in eternity, knowing but not feeling the depth of our own inherent wisdom(s), I love you, because like you I cannot not find it in me to consistently love myself.

I've found myself asking myself, what is television to me? friends?  material wealth?  love?  life?  What is being to me?  I have no answer because I'm either entirely dispassionate or that deeply immersed.

What is my next obstacle?  What is the next marker?  The next learning?  I'm afraid I don't care, I'm just trying to find something to live for.  Sometimes I wonder if I should ask the Universe to die on someone else's behalf- someone who can enjoy and be happy with life more.  I just feel so slow and tired and old.  I'm ready to find something I can be more blissful about and if it's death than so be it.  If not, than perhaps it's time to invite horrible, pain-shifting change into my life again.  I don't want to, but I will, because my pain keeps others from bigger pains, and because I was born a child of sacrifice.  

Woe is me right?  A seeking invitation of fire and brimstone?  Go ahead, glare at me all that you want.   I'm too strong to cry, to give into self-pity without trying to create action first.  Try and deny me the truth, or even the honesty in what is written here.  I really don't give a shit, but I expect more out of this life and I feel like it's turning my desperate- like I'm going to have to risk more in order to get the results I want.  I'm afraid those fears will have to be challenged, addressed, run over, and phased out until there is even less for me to be afraid of.  So be it, if this is what life demands of me.  So be it.


December 18th, 2009

(no subject)

Unearthed by her lengthy immortal sleep
Her spirit pulled true by the secrets she keeps
Roots and dirt spun across her patched skin
Cleansed by fire, creating a chalice within
Water the swirls, spirals in effervescent light
Bare winds the breath that channels her might
And yet this strength is of women and men
Each a unique creation, each a blessing within
I recognize there is more to me as I am
That I am the more and the less that I can
And nothing has ever felt more right or true
That the depth of me is truly the depth in you
So please remember that as you live and eat and sleep
That I remember too, and I too am the promise that keeps
My spiral is the sun and I am the sun that shines
I am life and love and eternity divine
It is a world upon worlds in the universe that is me
And your universe and my universe embrace equal symmetry
All the world is the same, and the differences are the same too
The same things you see in me are what I see in you
If you are confused, than I am confused too
For never is there less in me than there is more in you
And while these words are rehashed, wisdom unenlightened
There is never a smarter idea that living continually heightened
By whatever suits you best, your best is my best too
In this endless spiral of webs and life
We are the fly and strife; the spider and knife
What cuts you cuts me too, what heals me heals you
In this rotating world of green and blue

Is there anyone who voices this truth?
Is there anyone who keeps it inside?
Why bother for speech or writing when life is on the line?
I do not wish to be a teacher, just for you to see
That there really isn't any "you" or "me"
Just simplicity, eternity, equity, and divinity
We're not a perfect circle because the insides aren't calculable
But we are a perfect being because we're anomalies

It's all buried within instinct, within minds of the ages
It's also lived in future decisions, future feelings and ideas
It is because it is and nevermore will is cease
Because fairy tales are life; the beauty is the beast.

December 9th, 2009


into, blue, stormy, breathe, me
I don't know if you can hear me, but hush if you can
Sleep warm and deep and silent please keep
Until the night breaks into the coming day

I don't know why I feel you need a lullaby
Your days are happy, filled with sunshine and joyful memories
Perhaps I'm silly or confounded with my place in things

Nevertheless if I could sing, I would be a nightingale
Never needing words to sound pretty or beautiful to hear
But maybe all you need is me here to think of you this way

I suppose some loves are sharp, others more plentiful and large
There are bigger dreams than the ones I keep, more practical and real than I
And yet I sit here anyway wishing the best for the face I adore

So you can tell which people you know that I'm a silly woman
That I sing you lullabies even though you're now old and wiser than I
Or say nothing at all if you like and keep the others guessing

There's nothing I can really say that will ever make you better
There's nothing I can really do besides hope and love and pray and think of you
And tonight i find myself out of prayers, just you here in my thoughts

So I'm sorry if this lullaby is a little confused and unsorted
I was never a great poet at best neither a noteworthy illustrator
But tonight I notice is just you and I, and I feel that there's something I need to share

You know, there's never much to my life that you're not in
There isn't a certain point that you start or end we just kind of fit together
And I think we're pretty inseperable, cause I see you time and time again

I'm never going to leave without you by my side
And even though you won't need me always, I'll be her for you anyways
Because I want to be, because I love you, and because I said it in a lullaby...


into, blue, stormy, breathe, me
I thought of snow drifting for hours
The cold air leaking through the windows
And how gracefully each flake fell
With its sisters and brothers around
How such lightness adds to such weight quickly
How the cold wind bared to the bone
And I found myself thinking this way
As I turned and looked at you

Anyone else would say you're sunshine
A joking smile, eyes in thoughtful reverie
Always a burning comment mocking the wise
Always a warming hand if need be
But I know your seasons in other ways
Since I embrace truth to cut me quick
And shivers cannot begin to describe
The blizzard clouds in your hazy soul

I know the world as cold and barren,
I see others as dark and unforgiving
And often I feel lost in a leafless forest
Snow falling to fast to recover my tracks
And in the middle of my frozen fantasies
I see you standing strong and sure
The snow may gather and the wind may blow
But your being and presence ever remains

I struggle in the deep drifts and fall,
Snow clinging to my clothes and stinging my skin
In front of you I kneel and reach up a single hand
This world is yours created and animated
And I as Life am fragile, and at your tender mercy
And yet this shivering is from both cold and pleasure
I know in the winter season ruthlessness is strength unparalleled
And as such it triggers my desire to be lost in you

You step into my hand and a million suns unbound
Heat from the love of my touch on yours
Just a single humble finger touching another caring one
And you could look like anyone and I would know you still
Because only a still painless death would there be without you
And with you, a private paradise of thoughts and dreams
But that look, that single piercing glance at me
And I could be chained and naked and gagged

It's not the violence, but the method;
Not the undoing, but the creating
And I would give myself to any biting pain
Knowing that your desire strained your body as much
For no one else would I give all of myself,
For no one else would I let my vulnerabilities show
But for those that need mercy, let them have it
I throw it out to them into the wind and beg you for more frostbite.
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